older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
You Might Also Like
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.