Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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