*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
cry laughing at this shit
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Doctors texting each other.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
This is me
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.