Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Still cracks me up
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym