[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book