“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The cashier just checked me out.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me