According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.