Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.