boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I think they could have phrased this better
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My love language is hissing.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”