I bet
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I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
🤣dope
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita