me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
She: I like Cats
He:
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.