Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You Might Also Like
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem