Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
😏😏😏
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??