[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
cats when you pet them too long:
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…