I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me too 😆
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
titanic
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Omg 🤣
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?