Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Hmm, not sure about this change
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
you will never know the true number of layers
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.