Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
What flavor cupcake are these
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”