me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.