[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
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The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Cat is stressing him out.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.