Put this video in the Louvre
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.