mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty