“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The news in a nutshell.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice