Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Human are so complicated
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?