You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
You Might Also Like
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Phones down.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.