I’m not lazy
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute