Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?