Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*