Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
You Might Also Like
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes