Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You Might Also Like
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Worst bar ever.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Unexpected Judgment
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….