Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
nyc: