Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
brian had himself a morning…
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes