me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.