{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I need a headline like this
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.