Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over