4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.