Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.