Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you