imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
An odd boast
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.