Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
You Might Also Like
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.