The Assassin.
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”