My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Well well well…
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Come back with a warrant
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming