The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
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(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”