[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
You Might Also Like
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My plans: 2020:
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.