Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next