Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
OH. COME. ON.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall