If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).