Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics