Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”