[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
fixed it
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one