my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
umm…
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.